NOTES from
Linda and Richard Eyre
The Entitlement Trap Presentation, 10/25/11
“It used to be that children used to please their parents. Now parents in our day try to please their children. YOUR goal is to have them RESPECT you!”
“You’ll lose your kids if you are SO strict that your child has to rebel just to be their own person. You’ll lose your kids if you are so loose that they can do whatever they want. Your goal is to be in the balanced middle with clear boundaries and clear family rules that you discussed together.”
“Your home can be a safer, more forgiving microcosm of the real world and thus prepare young children to live in it but not be of it.”
How to teach your child OWNERSHIP
Of Conflicts: Have a “Family Legal System”
If you don’t like being a judge, policeman, jailer, etc. in your house, try this:
In their family, they had a special bench specifically designated for kids in conflict - they had to sit together on the bench until they figured out what they did wrong. When ready, they told the parent what they knew they did wrong, and then they were to say “I’m sorry” and give the other person a hug. Did the “family bench” apply to parents, too? Yes! Their kids enjoyed assisting Mom and Dad to the family bench when they were having conflict.
Of Finances: Have a “Family Economy”
(I missed the first 45 min. of their presentation, and did not catch all of the previous discussion on this topic, but here is what I have pieced together)
1) In their family, they had a special “family treasury box” – theirs happened to be a real, wooden box that looked like a pirate’s treasure box.
2) At the end of each week, the family opened up the treasury box and counted the number of slips inside (= “pay day”) that were to have been “deposited” by each child each day that week. (Keep reading for how the “slips” worked.)
3) The number of slips per child was multiplied by the dollar amount each slip was worth (a parent and family decision made previous to implementation of their “Family Economy” system). This equaled the amount of money that child earned, and was paid, that week.
4) Each child had their own blank check book register and “family checks”. He/she entered the amount paid in their register, added it to previous week’s balance, and chose whether or not to keep the $$ in the “Family Bank” OR write a “check” to mom & dad and receive cash. (If received cash, they subtracted the amount of cash received from their balance in their register just as they would if in the real world.)
5) Each child was responsible for purchasing own clothes, supplies, etc. for school, and for entertainment, gas, etc. with their “pay day” money. (That’s what they did in their family – can be adjusted to our own family’s needs, abilities, etc.)
(By the way, the Eyre’s recommend this system for children 8 years old and above. Use sticker charts for those younger than 8 that use the same “ownership” concepts of the Family Economy to prepare them to be ready for becoming a part of the Family Economy when they turn eight. It’s okay to have younger children really want to be a part of the Family Economy like their older siblings and practice patience in waiting until they are 8yrs to be a part of it!)
The Eyre’s experience with this system:
- When their child asks: “Mom, Dad? Can I buy a ___________?” they can always respond, “YES! You can buy that! Do you have enough $$??” You can always answer “YES!” Ie: “YES! You can buy a car! Do you have enough $$?” “YES! You can buy those jeans! Do you have enough $$??” “YES! You can buy that toy, go to the movies, etc.! Do you have enough $$??”
- The child has his/her freedom to choose to buy whatever he/she wants according to whether or not he/she has the money in their “Family Bank” AND according to their “Family Laws” (previous rules, standards, etc. made and set/established as a family – ie: “YES! You can buy a cell phone IF you have the $$ and IF you abide by our “Family Laws” of cell phone usage” “YES! You can buy that whole bag of candy IF you have the $$ and IF you abide by our “Family Laws” of no eating snacks before dinner”)
- Children become better/wiser shoppers and savers and spenders and consumers.
- They will make financial mistakes. However, it’s better for them to learn from their mistakes on this scale rather than on a larger scale at college or when they are newly married, etc. (Example – one of their daughters chose to buy a pair of $120 jeans, and had no money left later for going to the movies with her friends. “Mom, Dad! Will you buy the jeans from me and give me my $$ back so I can go to the movies?” Answer: “The jeans won’t fit me… I do not have a need for your jeans. I am sorry. Maybe next time you shop, I can give you some tips/suggestions/ideas….”
- The child may actually ask for Mom/Dad’s advice next time.
How “the slips” work that are deposited by each child at the end of each day into the “Family Treasury Box”:
- Each child had a pegboard (could use magnets, etc.) with 4 things for them to do daily (they suggest sticking to four and no more = “4” is do-able for all ages):
1) Get ready for school (ie: make bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth) and catch bus with zero reminders
2) Homework done and music practice accomplished with zero reminders
3) Zone check with zero reminders (A “zone” is an area of the house - that is NOT their room - that they are responsible for keeping clean and picked up)
4) Prepare for bed (ie: teeth brushed, pj’s on, room picked up, clothes out for next day, backpack ready) and in bed on time with zero reminders
- At the end of each day, IF the child accomplished all four pegboard / magnet responsibilities:
1) He/she brings a slip to Mom/Dad.
2) Mom/Dad verifies accomplishments and “quality control”.
3) Mom/Dad signs the slip IF all four things meet Mom/Dad’s approval completely (don’t fudge on this! Your kids will be perfect at doing these small things correctly and completely if you expect it from the beginning and do not accept a less-than-desirable bed made or sloppy homework, etc)
4) The child is responsible for depositing the slip into the Family Treasury Box (zero slip in the box – even if slip was signed – equals zero payment. It is their responsibility to get their signed slip into the box = ownership!)
Of Goals:
Too often WE set goals for our children and wonder why they don’t accomplish them, or lack personal zeal, drive, and initiative…. THEY need to make their OWN goals!
(Example: Give each of them their own journal. Invite them to write their goals in the back of their journal, and say “We do not want you to write any goal in your journal that you think WE want you to make. This is YOUR journal and these are YOUR goals. We want you to know FOR SURE what YOU want to do, and we want you to know FOR SURE that YOU are ready and want to accomplish that goal BEFORE you write it down in YOUR journal. When you know FOR SURE what goals you want to do, and when you know you are ready to do them, then write those goals down in your journal, sign it, and date it.”)
Encourage them to write down one personal goal in each category:
1) Academic (ie: I want to increase my grade in Biology from a “C” to a “B” by the end of the quarter, etc.)
2) Extra Curricular (ie: I want to be able to run three laps around the soccer field without stopping by the end of soccer season)
3) Character (ie: I want to practice being more KIND to my little sister this week)
You may have a family activity where each child has quiet time each week to read and review their written personal goals and reflect upon how they are doing. Or do monthly, yearly or whatever works for your family.
Of Values:
Such as: Consideration and Peaceability; Respect; Love; Unselfishness; Kindness and Friendliness; Justice and Mercy; Honesty; etc.
Focus on ONE value a month (it’s easier than focusing on all of them at the same time) and talk about it all month! Ask for personal experiences, successes to be shared at dinner time, etc. You can refer to http://www.valuesparenting.com/ for methods of teaching values in your home. Also refer to that website for how to talk with your children about sex.
Of Choices and Decisions:
Regarding sex, BOTH parents should be there for “The Big Talk on Sex” (refer to http://www.valuesparenting.com/) rather than girls with Mom and boys with Dad. Why? “It’s about US!” Their advice based on experience: “The earlier you teach your child and convey to them that sex is wonderful and beautiful but only at the right time with the right person, etc., the later they will have sex.”
Of Emotional Ownership:
Create a family mission statement, and have each child create their OWN mission statement. Example: Have a special weekend set aside (can go away somewhere for the weekend if desired) where you can sit as a family and council with each other off and on throughout the day/weekend (between fun family activities, games, etc.) as to what words they can think of that describe what they want your family to be like, and do, and strive for, etc. Put the best or favorite words together for your mission statement and strive to live by it, plan by it, etc. as a family. (ie: “Be smart, be kind, be bananas!” = a young family’s mission statement)
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